You’re going to have to speak up he’s really rather old… no actually you’re really going to have to speak up as he lacks a sense of hearing… say hello, or don’t bally well bother wasting your time saying hello, to the oldest creature on the planet … the Quahog Clam.
To be brutally honest hearing isn’t the only faculty this really rather oblivious four hundred and five year old is amiss. He never knew that in his infancy Elizabeth I with her festering black teeth sat atop the throne, and a young William Shakespeare was just putting quill to parchment. He would have seen the pilgrims set sail to New England, if only he had the ability, to whom he would have presumably said a cordial how-do-you-do as they sailed past… if only he had a larynx. He was unaware when Nelson defeated Napoleon at the Battle of Trafalgar, and at the ascension to the throne for Queen Victoria. He couldn’t give a hoot for a number of historic landmarks that he lived through to be perfectly honest… the invention of the telephone, penicillin, Darwinism, the atom bomb, the First and Second World Wars, even Margaret Thatcher’s dismantling of the welfare state was said to only rile him a tad.
Until, one day researchers from the University of Bangor, Wales… yes Welsh researchers… found him in the waters above Iceland he so fondly called home … there they counted the layers that he had laid down year by year… painstakingly over the centuries he had grown to just 3.4 inches across… and the researchers tallied 405 layers one for every year of his life… of course they killed the poor bugger in the process.