What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? That’s right finding a fish in your tallywhacker! Or even finding an apple in your worm?! We’ll get round to that one, right where were we? It was only a matter of time until the Proceedings got around to this chap, just prey that this chap never gets to proceed into your chap. Meet the Candiru, the most feared fish in the River Amazon, yes that’s the same River Amazon that’s stuffed to the rafters with meat-eating Piranhas.
You see the Candiru has a very anti-social habit. He swims into streams of urine and into the urethra, yes the bit that you wee out of, which is said to smart a tad.
An Eel-shaped Catfish, about fifteen centimetres long and about a centimetre thick the translucent little rapscallion lies in wait at the bottom of the river. If it smells urea, the leftovers from when your body has metabolized protein, in the water it will dart towards the source. Thankfully todgers, and indeed ladies front jacksy’s, aren’t its usual prey. In fact the scoundrel is trying to get in to the gills of some hapless fish. There it will spring its spines and go on to gnaw a hole towards a major blood vessel gorging itself on blood for no more than a few minutes. Then it will drop off sink to the river bottom and have a merry old cogitation and deliberation until its next victim wanders past.
If they are very very unlucky that victim may be some poor bloody sod who is urinating into the river. It’s really not the little fishy’s fault, he mistakes the urea in the urine for a fishes gill excretions, and makes a dart into the urine stream… right to its source. Of course this isn’t an ideal situation for the fish to be in, though it is very hard to feel sorry for a ghoulish bugger that gores other fish to death… especially if he’s lodged in your mutton sword. They really do go right in, so that all you can see poking out is there still flapping tail, what’s more the fiend sticks out a spike so it can’t come out, even if you ask it really really nicely.
Surgery is probably the only option, though local tribes say there is a pair of local herbs that can be inserted into the urethra to kill the fish so it will fall out. Just in case you are ever unlucky enough to come face to genitals with this bounder they are the Jagua plant and the Buitach apple, presumably not the whole apple though.